If you know me personally or have read any of my other blog posts, you know I am expecting baby #4. It is so exciting but it is also scary and uncertain. Don’t get me wrong. I am super excited about our tiny babe. If you know me, you also know we struggled with fertility so expecting baby #4 is more than I ever could have hoped for. However, with COVID-19 hanging around, I am nervous about what delivery, postpartum, and life will look like for us. Let me try to explain.
Almost 2 years ago I gave birth to my handsome Little Red. In previous posts I have mentioned that he had some breathing issues initially so I didn’t get to hold him or feed him in the first 2 hours. Then by 6 hours of life he was under phototherapy. When we got home I finally got to love on my little boy nonstop. I still had 2 bigger kiddos though who still needed my love and attention. Life had to go on. My 2 bigs were in daycare at the time. They ALWAYS had runny noses, coughs, etc. The fun life of daycare! So when we came home with Little Red and the bigs had the sniffles and coughs, it was just another illness for them. We tried to teach the bigs not to touch baby’s hands or face. Have you ever tried to teach a 2 and almost 4 year old not to touch hands or face? Especially when one of those is most definitely a toucher to show love. My 4 year old understood more than my 2 year old. Needless to say, they didn’t keep hands off and were constantly giving Little Red kisses. my sweet new babe got sick by the age of 3 weeks old. He was having difficulty breathing and had to be transported to a local children’s hospital where he had to be admitted to the Pediatric ICU (PICU). I’ll have to share my story and feelings on that as well. It was a very emotional time and hard on all of us.
So here I sit expecting baby #4 at about the same time of year when Little Red decided to join the world. I know all the illnesses he will already be exposed to. Now add in COVID-19. Yes, it has been shown that younger kiddos aren’t as susceptible to the terrible symptoms and risks as older people. We choose to mostly stay home to reduce our risk. I often think about the possibilities if I catch COVID and have the serious symptoms. Will I meet baby? Will they have to do a C-Section to save baby? And if I don’t end up with serious symptoms, when I go for delivery will I test positive for COVID and be an asymptomatic carrier and have to be separated from baby? What if my husband can’t be there? Man, so many things to consider and think about. How different will this birthing experience be?
I’m currently a school nurse. At my last doctor’s appointment, my doctor started talking to me about my plans as the school year is fast approaching. She wanted to know if I knew what restrictions would be in place, what a school day would look like, etc. She then told me, “I strongly advise you to not return to work if at all possible.” I almost died right there. I LOVE my job and I LOVE the kids I get to interact with. Some of them need SOMEONE to believe in them and it’s important to me to be that person. Some students come to the clinic with complaints of sickness when in truth they are there because they don’t like a class, they don’t think they are smart enough for a class, they are anxious about a class or a test, or because they just need someone to SEE them. I cannot imagine not being at my school and not being there for those students. Have I mentioned that I absolutely LOVE my job? So hearing my doctor strongly advise me not to return was a gut punch. But it also made me think hard about things. Even my doctor is concerned about what could happen. She is not one to worry about ANYTHING so for her to tell me this…man I just didn’t know what to think.
I now have SO many things to think about. My job had been on my mind, but now it is at the forefront of everything. I will be put in a position to be around sick kids, kids that are asymptomatic but still carriers, teachers and staff that are the same. How much PPE will I have? Where will I isolate my students/staff/teachers that have COVID symptoms. What will I do when I have to be quarantined for 14 days? What will I do when my kids have to be quarantined for 14 days? How many days will I be out? How effective will I be at my job? I know I am not alone in my thinking. I know there are teachers and staff that have the same concerns. I have seen some say you can’t think about yourself or your family, but I think you do have to take them into consideration as anything I bring home could effect them as well and could then impact how many days I am able to be at work. I want my students to have the most consistent care they can. So I worry not just about myself and my family, but the students. With 4 kids, the chances of me having to stay home with quarantined kiddos is much higher.
My sweet Little Red has asthma. At his last appointment, the doctor was concerned about how COVID could affect him. He really struggles during the winter and spring time. Now we are in summer, but he would be returning to daycare during his time that he already struggles. Before COVID the doctor was going to try to wean him off his maintenance inhaler to see how he would do. Since COVID, we have been instructed to keep up with his maintenance inhaler.
It’s not just about COVID though. I think about RSV-the illness that sent my Little Red to the PICU. It was so hard. I will be smack dab in the middle of RSV, cold, and flu season. Any of these could be devastating to my newest little love. It was such an emotional roller coaster having my sweet babe in the PICU and having to be away from my 2 bigs. I don’t want to go through that again.
So while I love feeling the flutters, the kicks, and the hiccups from my sweet Baby #4, I’m also nervous for him. I try to have faith and believe it will all work out, but some days are harder than others. That’s part of the reason I get out and exercise on my own, without kids. It gives me time to process through my fears and anxieties. It gives me time to quietly think about what will be the best option for my family and my students that I care so much about. For me, I trust in GOD. I know not everyone believes in God, but for me, that is where I put my trust. I pray, I talk with those wiser than me, and talk with my husband about what his feelings are for our family. I am ready to meet my little babe when it is time, but how I interact with others will likely differ from previous pregnancies.
**Update: After a lot of thought, soul searching, discussions with my husband, and prayer, I have turned in my resignation. It has been such a hard thing to process. I seriously LOVE my job. I will miss my students, my school family, and my wonderful friends I made while there. There were a lot of tears as I pushed the send button on my resignation e-mail. There were more tears as I typed my last e-mail to my colleagues, and even more tears as I texted my best friend that I worked with and even more tears as I type this post and get ready to put it out for others to read. I can’t imagine my life without the job I so loved. I imagined myself staying in that job until I was old and gray. Okay, okay..I know I’m already old and I already have gray hair (thank you hair dye), but I mean when I was old enough to retire! But, as one journey ends, a new one begins! On to being a stay at home Mom. Pray for my kids! I get cranky lately!
