Right now in the United States we are in full on COVID-19 mode. The news, media, and social media is constantly talking about COVID-19. While it is important to stay up-to-date on the current illnesses, there is an illness that will be making it’s return for the season soon that has me on edge: RSV. In my blog post https://messymamalife.com/baby-4-another-honest-post/ I mentioned RSV and my Little Red. In that post I promised an honest post about our experience with RSV and how it has affected my outlook on our next baby. Baby #4 is due around the same time as Little Red so RSV is on my mind A LOT.
RSV stands for Respiratory Syncytial Virus. It is a virus that causes a respiratory infection and usually presents like a cold. It is a common infection and most people don’t have any serious complications and recover. According to the CDC website, most recover in 1-2 weeks. However, for young infants (<6 months), premature infants, children under 2 with chronic lung or heart disease, kids with weakened immune systems, and “children who have difficulty swallowing or clearing secretions” are at higher risk for complications from RSV (CDC.gov). The CDC estimates that 57,000 children under the age of 5 end up in the hospital due to RSV infection each year (CDC.gov). As mentioned on the CDC website, RSV “season” is usually in the fall, winter, and spring. If you would like even more information on RSV, the signs and symptoms, etc., you can visit the CDC website at https://www.cdc.gov/rsv/high-risk/infants-young-children.html to learn more. Let’s go back to RSV and my tiny little red.
It was fall and I had just given birth to my sweet little red headed babe! He had his issues while we were in the hospital. Difficulty breathing at birth but was able to stay with us and then jaundice for which he had to undergo triple bank phototherapy. It was a happy day when we went home! My 2 kiddos at home were definitely excited to see us come home! I was worried how my big boy would do with the addition of a baby to the the family. He was smitten! My big kids were in daycare at the time. They ALWAYS had sniffles, cough, etc. The big kids were doing so well with the addition of little red to the family. They LOVED him. We tried to teach them they couldn’t touch his little hands or face and couldn’t give him all the hugs and kisses, but they just couldn’t help themselves. We were approaching our little red being 3 weeks old.
I had noticed the big kids were sniffling and coughing more so I tried to keep them away from little red, but, as I mentioned, they were quite smitten with their baby brother. Keeping them away from their new baby brother was not going to happen unless we locked them in their rooms or Little Red in his own room. Not happening. At 3 weeks old,on a Monday, we had a doctor’s appointment for Little Red. Little Red was now starting to cough and I did NOT like how his breathing sounded. I felt certain that he had times he was grunting and retracting. As a previous nurse in the newborn nursery I know what grunting sounds like and what retractions look like, but I was assured I was wrong and he was okay. I still couldn’t shake the feeling that he WAS grunting and he WAS having retractions, but a professional not attached to my sweet red told me he was fine. An RSV test was run. I was told one machine showed positive but the other machine showed negative. I was told they ran it twice because they didn’t see anything so it was possible he had RSV, but they didn’t see it an 1 machine said he was negative. I was given instructions that if he wasn’t better to return in 2 days and if he had difficulty breathing (something I was already concerned about) to take him to the ED (emergency department).
I left feeling so torn and confused. I already felt like he was having difficulty breathing. My Mama heart/brain/gut was YELLING at me that everything was not okay. But I had just been told he was fine. I just couldn’t shake it though. He wasn’t eating well, he was coughing so much, and he wasn’t himself. I wanted to cry. But I had 2 other kiddos waiting at daycare on me and they needed me too. Life moves on. Things still have to get done. So I pushed my worry somewhat aside and kept a very close eye on my sweet babe. On Tuesday, I felt like his breathing was a little worse. I felt for certain he was grunting. My husband was at his new job doing training though so I didn’t know what to do. I tried to schedule an appointment with his doctor but was told there were no openings. I tried to schedule for Wednesday but was told there were no openings. Wednesday was the day I was to take him in for a follow up anyway if he wasn’t better, but they had no appointments. If I took him in and they admitted him who would take care of my bigs? Where would they go? I didn’t have anything together for them. But his breathing wasn’t different from Monday. But my gut was screaming at me. I started texting a friend. She told me I could drop the bigs at her house. I wanted to, but she has 4 kids of her own and adding 3 more just felt like such a HUGE ask. Have I mentioned I am also not good at asking for help or admitting when I need help? It makes me feel like a failure and I think everyone else will see me that way. Have you/do you ever feel that way? I decided I would wait until my husband got home and I would take him to an urgent care center. My husband got home, but he told me he didn’t think anything had changed in our son’s breathing. I believed him. I told myself he was right. I told myself I was just freaking out and that I just hadn’t learned my Little Red yet. I told myself I didn’t know him because I didn’t get to hold him and do skin to skin with him from the beginning.
Did I mention that on Sunday my big boy had a febrile seizure (his body temperature went up to quickly and caused him to have a seizure) and turned blue? When I tried to get through to 911, I got the message that all operators were busy. All I could think was that I was watching my big boy pass before my eyes. I had no access to anything to open his airway to help him breathe and I couldn’t get through to the help he needed. I lost my mind. Finally the operator came on, but at that point I was a mess. My husband spoke with them and got help on the way. He ended up being fine after a trip to the ED, but in that moment the nurse side of me went away and I was only Mama. I couldn’t think rationally like a nurse. It was too much.
So, to keep you up to date on the happening so far, on Sunday my big boy had febrile seizure and turned blue and I was unable to reach 911 for help and just turned into a mess. On Monday I took Little Red to the doctor because I didn’t like his breathing or his coughing. On Tuesday I felt like he was progressively getting worse but my husband didn’t feel like there were any changes since Monday.
I sat there Tuesday night beside myself. Mama gut and what I had left of nurse gut at that point, told me something was wrong and we were headed for trouble if Little Red didn’t get taken to be checked out. Wednesday morning I got up and was on the phone at 7:30 in the morning with the doctors office again trying to schedule an appointment for Little Red. The night had been rough and I didn’t sleep. I was constantly checking on him. My big boy had a follow up scheduled because of his seizure on Sunday. I was trying to see if they could just see Little Red then since he would be with me anyway. I explained I was concerned about his breathing and was told to follow up on Wednesday if he wasn’t better and he wasn’t better. I was told, sorry, no appointments until maybe the afternoon. So I took the appointment all the while feeling sick to my stomach about my baby. My husband was again at his new job training. I got the kids up, took my daughter to daycare, and then headed to my big boy’s appointment. At a red light just down the street from the doctor’s office, my Little Red started unmistakably grunting. He clearly was having a very hard time. We were just down the street from the doctors office and there is a hospital just down from the office so I figured my best bet was to take him in. At least we would have supportive help until we could get him the care he needed. Of course I was a mess because I knew I should have taken him Tuesday, but others had told me he was fine. I listened to them (and I don’t blame them).
When we got to the office I explained that I really felt like Little Red needed to be seen ASAP because he seemed to be struggling with breathing and was again told nope. No appointments. Little Red was still grunting and retracting. He was not getting better, he was getting worse. As we were walking back to the room, Little Red’s doctor saw us and heard him grunting. He was immediately alarmed and dropped everything to take care of my baby. He immediately had a check on his oxygen performed and it was low. He confirmed Little Red was grunting and retracting. He had a transport for children called in to take my Little Red to the local children’s hospital. I still had my big boy with me because this appointment was meant to be for him. I had no idea what I was going to do with him. As I mentioned my husband was at his new job training. I didn’t want to call him because he was at a new job. How would it look if he was out? Yes it was a medical emergency, but this was also a new job for him. I ended up texting him to let him know and I tried to rack my brain on who might be able to get off to take care of my big boy and my girl. My husband ended up getting off and came an picked up my big boy. Little Red and I took a ride in the special transport to the children’s hospital.
Initially I was a wreck. How could I have let this happen? Why didn’t I listen to my inner voice? Why did I let others talk me out of what I knew was going on? WHY?
Then I pulled myself together. Asking why and thinking about all those things wasn’t going to help in the moment. As a previous nursery nurse, I knew what would be coming. When we arrived at the hospital they would run labs, run blood cultures, and do a spinal tap. He would be on oxygen. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to be put on a ventilator. I knew we would be staying for a while. Now I had to focus on how we would move forward and how we would get the older 2 taken care of. I called my Mom and she dropped everything to drive to our house (a 3 hour drive).
My Little Red was admitted to the hospital and was on the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit). Luckily he didn’t have to be on a ventilator but he did require extra support for his oxygen. He required an IV. They were able to get one in his head. He would be on fluids and on antibiotics. My sweet red spent the rest of the week in the hospital. It was confirmed that he had RSV. Everything else came back clear. He was a fighter. He didn’t want to feed so I would pump and we would try to syringe feed him so he was still getting the nutrients he needed, but eating was a hard task. It took so much out of him. While my focus was on Little Red, my heart was missing my bigs too.
In the times I was alone, all the whys would creep in. All the questions. All the Mom guilt. Some are reading this going, “Yep and it should. It was your fault.” I have felt that way and I have spent plenty of time blaming myself. I haven’t ever really talked about my feelings from that time. I don’t like to because of the judgments. Because of the memories. Because of it ALL. That’s why it has taken a while to write this blog. There are so many that will judge and not try to use empathy. I was a hormonal, postpartum, Mom of 3 with so many things to think about. I couldn’t think straight. So much had happened in such a short period of time. I know this makes no difference to some and that’s fine.
This Mama was overwhelmed. I had sweet friends that sent me gift cards I could use in the hospital. I had friends that stopped by and just hugged me (what I needed the most). Friends who brought me the supplies I needed. It’s not like I had packed a back before going to the doctor’s office. The staff at the hospital were wonderful. They have an area I could shower in and man it felt so good to shower and change clothes once I had all those things. I was not willing to leave Little Red alone though so I only did that when my husband could be there with him. His new job was understanding and allowed him some time off while my Little Red was in the hospital. He would get me snacks, make sure I was drinking water, made sure I ate, and made sure I tried to get some sleep. Most of the time I didn’t. I would often pretend to be asleep but really I would just lay there thinking about all the things I had missed. All the things I didn’t listen to in myself. And wonder. Wonder how things could have been different. Wonder what impact it would have on Red’s future health. Mainly I blamed myself when I pretended to be asleep.
Eventually Little Red was moved down to a regular unit and the oxygen came off. Really it was pretty quick. By Saturday we were going home! He was able to keep his oxygen up and he was able to eat! It was one of the best days of my life. RSV came, it tried to kick my baby’s butt, but he fought like a champ!
On oxygen. Thanks RSV 
Finally off oxygen 
Sleeping
We had several visits back to the ED after that for wheezing and trips to the doctor and he would get albuterol treatments. Life was not perfect, but so far we have made it. He has remained my fighter. He has been diagnosed with asthma and he gets a maintenance inhaler every morning and the occasional albuterol treatment. Life has moved on from those terrible days and he is a happy, sweet boy! Mama has moved on from all the questioning. I now listen more when I think something is wrong. Sometimes it is an overreaction, but most of the time it is spot on. I don’t consider myself a person who overreacts so if I think something is wrong, I now act. It may have taken a hospital stay for me to fully trust myself again, but I do. I’m Mom and most of the time I know when something is off with my kiddos.
Almost going home! 
We’re out of here. 
And gone! So long RSV!
All of this to say, I’m ready for Baby #4, but I have my concerns due to RSV season, flu season, and the lovely COVID-19. This was my experience with RSV and it was not fun. It caused a lot of struggles for me and for my sweet babe. My daughter has started talking about that whole week recently. The week that started with her oldest brother (still younger than her) falling and hitting his head and having to go to the hospital. Her having to stay with her “Little Aunt Jennifer.” Her and Nan going to get ice cream and waiting on us to get back to the house with her brother. Her experience with being at home while Mommy was at the hospital with her baby brother for so long. Sometimes it breaks my heart and I find myself back in that place of starting to question EVERYTHING. That doesn’t help. Our story has been written and we have all learned from it. Staying focused on all the negatives, all the whys, all the could have, should haves only interferes with our family moving on.
So I choose peace. I choose not forgetting about what happened, but to no longer fall into the trap of asking the whys. To say I never feel guilty about it anymore would be a lie. I am a work in progress and I am still learning from the situation 2 years later. It has changed how I process all things surrounding the birth of Baby #4, but it can no longer steal my joy. It can no longer keep me from enjoying my littles. Soon they won’t be so little anymore. They are already growing so fast. I can’t change what happened.
“Accept what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be.”- author unknown. This is what I am choosing. I can’t change the past but I can believe the future will be better and know that I have learned from what happened. Life will always be hard. Things will go wrong. I will make the wrong decisions at times, but I believe God has me and has my family. I believe he will write a beautiful story from our lives and allows us to share it with others. I choose peace so I can be what I need to be for my family. I hope you have found something in this post that speaks to you and that lets you know it’s okay to make mistakes. As I tell my kids, just get up and try harder next time. Or there will be times things don’t turn out the way you want or hope, but you change what happens in the future. You have to make the choice to dig deep and make a change. You change how the past affects your future. Don’t live in the moments of darkness. Choose life. Choose to live and love! Hold on tight to those you love and let them know how much you love them. No one know what tomorrow holds. Cherish the moments!
Update: As I was getting ready to post this, I had an appointment with my doctor and RSV came up. She told me about an RSV study and provided me with information about it. As I sat at my table reading the information so many memories came rushing back. The information discusses what RSV is and how it can affect infants. The memories, the feelings, the reminders. It brought me to tears. As I said, sometimes the pain from that time still rears it’s head and brings me to tears. It will not define me though and it serves as a good reminder of how precious life is and to hold my loves a little tighter! I set the information aside to go back to later.
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